cathythebattery

cathythebattery @ 2007-08-19T11:40:00

2007-08-19T19:01:36Z

So it's really been a while
and I really forget to write in here...
but i guess today I just needed a place to write where really only 2 people would know about it probably

I didn't really expect it to bother me like this...
A couple hours is really nothing at all
but its not the road-time that seems the hardest.
It just feels like since you're not home ....I'm homesick
which doesnt make much sense considering I'm not the one thats off at college
but youre such a part of me.
And I dont want you to see this...thus why I'm writing it in Livejournal...
because i promised you the exact opposite from what I'm feeling.
I really just overshot my strength...
It can be the best step in your life, as I promised
but I'm still allowed to feel a little lost withot you...which I promised against.
which was stupid...
who wouldn't miss their best friend?
who wouldn't be lonely?
One week youre riding your bike to my house every night at 2 in the morning
and one week I'm going to sleep by myself at midnight.
None of this is to say that I have stopped beliving that you are going to have the best four years of your life and I can't wait to be a part of them...
I dont mean that at allllll
all I'm needing is a rant against myself for pretending for this past week that I would hardly notice anything was different
that I was only worried aobut how you'd feel about going to college
not at all about how I felt about you leaving.
but i have to shake off feeling shitty about this
and i will
its just going to take some getting used to
and it wont get better as i watch everyone else leave this week
not at all...

it's up to Jew and I now
and I hate working our suerpowers from two different schools.
but we'll have an amazing year
visiting everyone all the time
and maybe finding new adventures everywhere

hey senior year whats up

I needed to write something pointless.

2007-01-18T04:27:57Z

I chose Physics Night to quit studying.
So close.

I just don't even know where to begin.
I don't deserve an A in that class
but when I think about losing the 93% for a B
I can't help but feel a bit sad.

So I'll probably go back to studying in ten minutes.

I hate how I write in these things.
I look moronic.
everything that has come out of my mouth
is just...babble.

I really feel like a "blast to the past" weekend.
So I hope it happens.
Last weekend was like experiencing some minor form of identity crisis
I don't mean for that to be as stupid as it looks
but it was just a mixture of doing and thinking things that were out of character
and not tending to certain obligations that define me most.

So I feel like a weekend of disney movies and blanket&pillow-forts and leapfrog and playing indians and animals. and i want to paint really ugly pictures.
then...i really wanna strip down to my undies....jump on my bed...roll on my floor...and be naked.

it sounds soo good.

plus a bubble bath.

everything sounds so good as i type it out.

i miss my playmate. this is how we're celebrating his 6th birthday this weekend. 18 doesn't exist. no sir, no.

Rachel Strull is pretty much my physics savior.

I tried studying with 3 diferent people.
I pretty much failed each time.
I love my friends so much.

Jew and I have the best online conversations.
They're so painful.
and I enjoy tending to them on these homworktastic nights.

Dear Finals,
You don't got shit on me.
I got me lovin' in alllll the right places...

Dear Love in all the right places,
I left my heart in Michigan

Dear Michigan,
I miss you.
So much.

It's just one of those days...

2006-12-03T23:47:43Z

One of those days that it's nearing 6:00 and I still havent brushed my teeth, showered,changed my clothes and obviously not yet left the house.
I've spent my hours ~~doing homework and~~ researching and reading on my own interests.

Strike throughs...are funny.
But you have to do them so that they make sense.
THAT my friends is where the emotionally disturbed children go wrong.
The sentance has to make sense with or without the strike through.

There's so much I'd like to write about.
Today I've spent around four hours on Amnesty's website and other sites related to such subjects
and....
now...
I can't write.
Because it wouldn't say what I would want to be read.
Words seem so insufficent lately.
I dont know.

I'm quite ridiculous.
I could write pages of useless silliness.
It's just a bunch of silliness, really.
But when it comes to something that's important to me
be it people or issues or my passions
Words aren't enough.
They underestimate my feelings.
And I'm scared to publicly to that.

Maybe it's just one of those things that I would rather you gathered thoughts for yourself.

Maybe I should stop babbling... and a great deal more would get done.

Right.

Tonight's also one of those nights where I am privledged to dine by myself.
My dinner line-up is quite fabulous, really.
Biryani curried rice
Palek Paneer
and some Naan bread.

um. Yum?

Plus, I found the Ladies of the Canyon CD i left in the car for ages.
I've missed it lately.

"You could have been more
Than a name on the door
On the thirty-third floor in the air
More than a credit card
Swimming pool in the backyard"

Oh Joni.

well best eat. and do homework i suppose. so the tree can be decorated tonight with glee.
this season is going to feel good this year.
i can feel it.

sup winter break 10 more school days?

cathythebattery @ 2006-11-16T15:38:00

2006-11-16T22:38:10Z

All i want to say

Dear LJ and readers
sorry for making crabby entries later.
im a crab.
and a bee
crab-bee
ha.
anyway. i promise to no longer be.

off to notre dame I am
choir.
then michigan for a 1/2 a day
then back home.
yesss.

hey. rock for rights on saturday, at 7. at hersey. go. do something. have fun. dance. be merry.
instead of 5 dollars of potty humor at the movies
see some sweet bands for 5 bucks, money that goes to amnesty check it out there.

a lot more to write
but i must pack now.
ill have a real entry with real words soon
i apologize for the entries of late.

have a swell friday!

cathythebattery @ 2006-11-14T22:27:00

2006-11-15T05:27:15Z

everything is sort of lacking.
im boring myself everywhere.
i need to get a job
or get involved with something.
or something.
or maybe just go out to dinner with Jew every night.
because we're the cutest couple i know.
and out-to-dinner is better than...homework.

things definatly arent the way they used to be
to say the least
i think that was the only conclusion we could arrive at during dinner tonight
considering everything else was kind of a mess of...
saying something
taking it back
feeling one way
changing in less than 5 minutes.
i dont mean to be a girl...
but the thing is
i am one.
i own a vagina.
and its unfair to deny my rights to my vagina
and the emotions that go hand and hand with it
only not literally.

its all changing
because its going to change even more
and i dont want to be the person to run away from everything
but i seem to be really good at it.

it shouldnt be like this.
i forget how old i am.

no michigan for like weeks after this weekend.
shoot me now.
i hate this fucking state.

can everything go back to how it was?
please?
because i cant handle it like this.

yay for wednesday.
gonna buy eyelashes with jasmine.
life is good.

cathythebattery @ 2006-11-13T22:53:00

2006-11-14T05:53:52Z

edit:
nevermind what i said last night...
i dont feel like answering questions about it. so away it goes....
its not worth it.
fucka-dis.

yaay tuesday.

the morning of opening night.

2006-10-26T06:18:05Z

bwretyrjtetryer
Sorry.

I need to not talk to people when I'm on my period.
Sorry if weirds you out.
But..you know.

I feel bad for pretty much making a fool out of myself in front of Tay.

I hate being a girl. It's annoying. I let out emotions that I dont even feel.

Im not going to make it into college.
Im dumb. It's hit me so hard lately.
I'm seriously screwed.
Sweet.

I dunno.

maybe i shouldnt post a thoughtless lj entry either when im on my period.
i just get these doubts sometimes.
concerning everything.

i miss jew.
why has it been so many days?
that i cant talk
or you havent been online?
and youre my other 1/2 to run to when i;m making a mistake.
because maybe im just pissed off
but im thinking some weird things.
bring me back.
youre so good at that.
i love you. a lot.

exciting entry.
im so sorry.

i miss halloween.

this year sucks dont even try to lie.

"No. He's not weird. He's just my kitty-cat"

2006-09-15T05:27:39Z

I think Beau and I are gonna be real cool by the end of all of this.
psh, sophomores.
hahaha, not even. not so cool when people do that.

today. I had a positive attitude. WHAT? I didn't really desire play rehersal to end - and I didn't mind show choir. Gnathan brought me dinner from Los Posadas - it was possibly the greatest thing ever, and most definatly the greatest part of my day. Even though there was only like 4 minutes of it.
It's like this:

Wasssssup, best friend?
We're definatly the most attractive couple I know. He's my fav. <3fo lyfe. yo.
The caption:
"Okay... now we're going to take a sexy picture"
I'm pretty sure that classifies as sexy.

And if that doesn't, this certainly does:

Danny's so asian. Yet Jew looks like the anime drawing.
I ...look like a frog.

I love playng with picturers at midnight thirty. Im not sleepy and I finished my homework. Sorta.

I suck at "jr. year"
what a freaking urban myth.

i dont even know what that means

cathythebattery @ 2006-09-13T18:07:00

2006-09-14T01:25:59Z

I didn't go sing tonight for whatchhamacallit....
I slept - because I like to sleep when my throat hurts and my nose is gross.

Being almost-sick-ish displeases me.
I lose motivation to do much of anything
And all I really want to do is to sit at home, watch a sappy movie, and snuggle.
and I dislike how that is not an option unless it is a weekend.
and even on a weekend - we dont seem to believe in it either.

i'm glad you all do your homework religiously.

but i'm going to have to hire someone to snuggle.

tonight my homework load is so light - it's just weird.
so I dont know what to do with myself...
I hate that - if I dont have homework, I dont even know what to do.
that's pretty sad.

and somedays I just want to trade in voice lessons for piano lessons.
because i cant stand not being able to do very much with it.
i really long to make something of it.

Iiii dont know what the purpose of this entry is - to be honest.
to update AFTER my nap when I'm not quite so crabby?
i guess.
i dont know....i guess im expecting something that shouldn't be expected?
not everyone is on the same page as me - we're not all mind readers here
i guess I need to rememeber that
it just doesn't seem that....hard.

i'm going to go be productive. homework? scriptwork? write something for real?
sorry lj - you're just not going to see my creative side tonight.

ha.

cathythebattery @ 2006-09-13T14:37:00

2006-09-13T21:44:08Z

No. Really. I like not being worth 10 minutes of your time.
It's fantastic.

I want to stay awake so I can fall asleep earlier tonight.
A lot of hours at school tomorrow.
School....isn't a lot of fun.

Im bored of it.

But....
weekends are fun.
hopefully.

i miss jew.
she called me after school today - since we hadnt talked in two days and all
and i wish we went to the same school.
My school is crap.
but only becuase i miss people.

booyuh.

cathythebattery @ 2006-09-03T13:52:00

2006-09-03T21:23:56Z

Oh my gosh. We're getting married. Tomorrow.

Devendra.

My maid of honor is going to be a cup of tea.
And my best man is going to be Jewlianna.
{I just tried to spell Julianna and i actually forgot how to. Oh wow...that was way too weird}

lately - I drink so much tea. It is everything to me.
I thought of my dreeaam job once I'm 40 or so and done with traveling and commiting to the promises I've made to myself about what I have to do before I can walk away from life.
I dont feel like going into eithher.
But I designed the most amazing tea house you will every find yourslef in.
Fountains. Sitar player Saturday. Library in the back. Soup. Hummus. Pillows. Poetry readings and open mics.....
Not coffee....tea.
I believe that we focus far too much on the substances that speed us up rather than slowing us down.

I'm going to take Tea Lessons actually this year at a little tea shop. My mother and I never knew they offered classes in the subject of tea.

I've found myself completely at peace in Michigan this weekend.
It feels so good.
I'm convinced at times that I couldn't live too many years in such a small town
Until I am back here again....going to acoustic folk festivals in the park with my parents, all the locals sitting on their porches, and the children running around outside.
And then....it's just my favorite place to be.

This one girl. Couldnt have been more than 6or 7....just running around. Like the rest of them. But so different. She had this long dark skirt on that matched her hair (which spilled out of a messy bun and down her back) and she just did cartwheels across the field, kicking boys in the face as she flew down from her suspension in the air...and I thought "Damn that girl is gonna go far."

It was so good. My mom says she can't wait to see me raise my child something like that - a free spirit.
{I think I am going to be the worst mother ever...}

I miss everyone so badly this weekend.
I just dont dig school and then no-friend-weekends...
but at the same time, I would never want to go back home.
I'd rather they met me here.
I'm in a totally different world.
Went to the most amazing art show, an Asian import warehouse, Cafe Gulistan Mediterrean food for dinner, and acoustic folk night in the park last night.
Woke up, read a book and drank tea, then we left to go visit some little towns to shop around and get some lunch.
Tonight we're going to the sunset then taking Gypsy out for ice cream.
I just feel a hell of a lot better than saying I was in IL.

But the people back home are also all I need in my life right now - so its all good.
The show on Friday felt really good for some reason to see people again.
I miss Jew so bad though.....
So bad.
She's probably the hardest thing to be away from right now.
It's just been far too long since I've seen her.
I can't tell you...how good it feels to notice how much we've grown together since this summer.
We're so damn close now.
I love it.

I'm gonna go take Tyler for a walk around the yard.
My parents dont trust he can go much farther than the forest
But I beg to differ.
He's fucking Jesus.
You better believe it too.

Love.pOOdle.

No substitution will do.

2006-09-01T04:38:24Z

I was so much more freaking optimistic a few months ago.

I really like it.

I didn't write or talk or think very smartly, nor do I now....

But those are some fucking happy thoughts.

And it makes me happy because that was me.
And I still am me.
Despite some weird phase I've encountered.
Despite the weird moods all of you have encountered along with it.

I have to realize that nothing has changed.
And it is all as beautiful as it was before.
Bumps, winds, and ditches have crossed my path since....
But weren't the same obstacles present at that time, as well?

I cant wait for those feelings to come back again.
I felt them at lunch today.
Taking note again of the littlest things.

I felt it yesterday at the park.
Running around...chasing geese....singing songs about ducks....

It's all coming back.
It's just so different.
But I have a chance this year...to do more.
Even more next year.
And in college...
I cant even imagine.

How scared I am for the future, I can't even explain.
But why even taint the goodness and the beauty of now
With my fears of years to come.
It'll all be okay.

Just keep them next to me as long as possible.
I love the two of them more than words even capture anymore.
Always somewhere to turn.
Always.

This is just a warm up entry before I begin entries again.
Which will be tomorrow.
When I;m not so tired and my thoghts gather a bit better.

cathythebattery @ 2006-05-15T20:30:00

2006-05-16T04:01:32Z

Everything is good.
Michigan was good - I want to go again.
Shopping with my mom was good - I got a prom dress and all already
Friday will be good - no school + lunch with my mom
Saturday will be good- Chicago shopping with Valerie
The rest of this week will suck - Showchoir auditions.
I'm gonna suck.
You can laugh.
DOnt worry, I will be.
I worked everything out with Laura - that was really good. I'm glad eveyrthing is OK.
Well mostly everything.
And I'm really excited.

I love my mom.
Because when cars beep at her for going the speed limit...
She slams on her breaks to test if they were tail-gating her
and she can tell by if they hit her or not.
Road Bitch.
ANd shes taking me out to lunch on Friday. Vegetarian Cusine gets me out of school all day.
Indian food is passion.
Massala Chai Tea - passion.

Annnd
I'm incredibly sick of girls.
ANd what they manage to base their lives upon.
Their only thoughts.
The only things they can talk about.
Their eveyrthing.
....And worst of all: expect me to care?
Nice try.
I dont.
Go fuck around all over the place -
You dont want to listen to me for the past 9 months..
Then I'm done caring. Helping. Listening.
Why dont you think about something real for once?
Or...is that too hard?

WIth the seniors exiting Hersey High soon...
Everyday I look for new victims to make my friends.
It's fun.
I'm most excited for the Megan Valerie Cathy alliance.

Jon's taking me skirt shopping.
He's wise beyond his years with the hippie skirt.
And we decided - putting our knowledge together...some groovy stuff will come of it.

Well goodnight.
Now im bored of doing homework..
writing essays...
reading..
yeaaah - dont feel like it.
maybe...later.
or not!
...With an emphasis on the latter...

cathythebattery @ 2006-05-08T19:23:00

2006-05-09T02:54:16Z

I like how the requirements to build houses and help villages in need in Africa are:
The love of God.
Jewlianna says she knows people who spent time there through different organizations that have nothing to do with religion and she'll send me the info.

Upon this conversation at El Rancho Grande with my parents and Jew, they created a new rule called:
We'll only fund your traveling if you do it post-college.
In other words...I'm going to start saving now.
I'm going before college...I want to apply what I find through my expieriences to what I learn in college.
I'm not going to go into it...but it excites me so much.

I think I'm going to start reading Night tonight....because if I dont read it now, I really wont want to read it while doing an essay at the same time - and I really want to read Night because I've only heard good things.

Mr. Petro finally blew up at the class today. Finally. A bunch of morons that I learn with everyday...they managed to laugh and talk during a Holocaust video...
Seriously...I am soo fucking sorry that this video took a 1/2 hour out of your oh-so-important, meaningful, middle class suburban life. I am soo fucking sorry that all those dead, innocent people ate up your morning chit chat time.
Seriously...get over yourself. Your orange tan. Last nights game. Last nights ass. And the gossip that comes of it all.

I am at times not suprised at all that history manages to repeat itself. Can no one learn? Seriously...are you blind? or just lazy? Either way...sometimes I think whatever comes at us...we deserve. Without a past you dont have a future - without acknowledging your past...why even attempt to plan a future?

I've felt stronger lately about knowing what I want to do...
I am so ready to just get out there and do it.
Baby steps though.

cathythebattery @ 2006-04-30T20:51:00

2006-05-01T03:52:30Z

School.
Yeah..end.

So excited for summer.

maybe i'll do something productive.

wish me luck!

lovelovelove

cathythebattery @ 2006-04-24T18:21:00

2006-04-25T01:32:56Z

maybe I'm not cut out for it.
but then again - what else would i possibly do with my time?
but then again, again - what a waste of time if i sat there without a purpose.
if im going to be a waste of space, i might as well go aobut doing it in ways i like.

granted, i used to enjoy this.
hersey highschool has managed to change that completely.
however, that's not what i'm even talking about.

it's time for summer.

it's time for this week, this weekend, this show, this year to wrap up.

it's time for me to sleep for 6 hours straight.
because that would feel super right now.

no, i am not crabby.
i have just realized i may need to make up some new lies for myself
for these have grown old.

i had a dream i wore a skirt to school. and i loved it.
i agree when jon says to wear the skirts more...
but i did manage to put pants on today anyway.
im lazy in the morning.

and i really, really want chocolate.
and a long nap.

Things Fall Apart needs to get interesting...
before my brain falls apart reading it.

Cant wait for May.
And for the sun to stay.

I rhymed. On accident.
Good Sign.

off to read and do homework...
and probably pass out while doing so.

Love.

2006-04-17T03:37:18Z

I'm so...unafraid.
There is nothing to fear with you.
Everything else kind of seems to shift or spin...
But I always feel safe here.

You probably don't realize how much it means, either.
How much it helps to just drive to Wisconsin to watch a lightning storm from the swing-set after a week like that had been.
How much it helps to talk about things the way my mind thinks about them.
How much it helps to have someone who will let me just sit silent for a while when its not so easy to talk.

I'm not not afraid to say how I feel {even though i know its ridiculous}
I'm not afraid to disagree {even though I've never really had to}
I'm not afraid to cry {even though I've never needed to when I'm with you}
I'm not afraid to be weak {even though you help me to be strong}
I'm not afriad to touch you {even though you still give me butterflies}
I just dont need to fear you knowing exactly who I am.
Because you know...and you haven't run yet.

For over 9 months you've demanded nothing more of me than to be myself.
It's the only thing I've ever wanted to be demanded of.
So this is a "thank you"...
I dont say it enough...
Its just that it would be impossible to thank you everytime you opened a new door for me.

The things I'm saying may look naive or childish to some people reading this.
Well- It's not for you..
No one can ever tell me how I'm supposed to feel.
Because you're not there to see how much this all means to me.
You dont need to understand
& You can shake your heads as much as you want...
I want to feel this way for as long as I can.

cathythebattery @ 2006-04-14T11:18:00

2006-04-14T18:44:03Z

I've apologized to myself for what I wrote last night.
I dont need to punish myself to not write
Because I do not understand everything.
I dont think I'm supposed to - nor do I think I am ready to
I didnt ready myself to. Not now. Not this year...this month.

I'm such a little girl sometimes...
And it can be so pathetic.
Yeah, I would rather be that than someone who constantly searches for things wrong in the world
But maybe I need to grow up enough to understand that things will not go according to plan.
...there is no plan.
Just little fairytales I write myself.

Anyway

I questioned if the ugliness outweighs the beauty in things.
And it's strange...because I never know.
Sometimes i kind of think everything is fucked over. I kind of think - it's done.
But then sometimes - that not the point.
It's that the ugliness is the beauty.
It doesnt make sense at all...
It's left me completely emotionless, actually.
Between the pain of one thing and the happiness of the other that collide at once
You're left staring off in space tapping your toe.

It's a big world.
I mean - it's huge.
There is too much to be done, too much to change, too much to save
To sit there and space out about it all.
You've opened our eyes...two too many times by now...
And it wasnt worth the eye opener, I assure you...it wasnt worth the smack in the face.
But if it has happened...If it is done.....If there is nothing we can do about it now
We have to make something of it
Because you can't now...

If that means promising yourself to live.
Then live.
Go nuts...go crazy...never stop, never hesitate, never back out.
If that means you want to go save the world
Then I suggest you save the world
I mean there is certainly enough motive

I dont think it's time to give up.
If you want to give up and say there is no hope
Good luck digging yourself out of a hole
Good luck trying not to feel like shit
Good luck saving yourself

There is so much we are entitled to.
So much to learn before you can say "it isn't worth it."
Not everyone is given the chance to take the journey...suck it up...go through all the pain and just learn.
FIgure out why you are here.
Not everyone is given that chance.

Maybe this isn't the time to say any of this.
But I dont know what else to say
The weaker we are as individuals...the weaker we are as a whole.
We feed off of each others strength.

I don't doubt that you're not okay.
I don't doubt you feel unhappy.
I don't doubt this isn't easy for any of us.

But what good is it going to do to give up?

If you can honestly answer that question...be my guest.

....

2006-04-13T04:59:02Z

Somethings I will never understand.
And im sorry i dont fucking understand...
How could anybody?

Im done writing in live journals or xangas or whatever the fuck for a while.
everything im saying is just babble because i constantly dont understand
& I know I'd say the wrong thing
I'm sure Ialready have

Im so sorry...
I am So sorry.

Goodnight...Goodbye.

cathythebattery @ 2006-04-06T16:24:00

2006-04-06T23:52:16Z

Hey.
That whole entry I just wrote
Just kidding
Pretend like it never happened...

I deleted it

write.later.

dont push it.

In the background of the picture, I see that Illinois is sinking in...

2006-04-04T05:22:32Z

...Drowning in its own restrictions, he desires to be his own island

So I'm off to England or something.
Right now...
Considering I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't want to be anywhere near here.

I dont mind the rain and the cold and the blah de blah blah
I'm just pretty sick of it here.

Arlington Heights could drop off the face of the planet and no one would miss it.

I'm taking Tyler with me.
He looks cute right now...
And I miss sleeping with him.

How do you put up with me anyway?
I am so crabby sometimes...
I mean its exhausting.
Stubborn - yet never right.

I think with my own brain, that's for sure.
Even if it means I make up the rules I go by.
Because they suck.
But they're mine.
mine.mine.mine.

You can shut me up now.
And by "you" i mean myself
This is just another way for me to talk to myself...
We fight a lot.
Too much time spent together.
You'd think I'd change if even I can disagree with myself..
Honestly.
I dont know how to.

Thats not important right now.
I wanted to write this because I like the idea of writing two nights in a row
Because I didnt have too much homework...
Or because it's fun.
Or because I was crabby
And I really wanted to go to England

Because you guys suck.

I really dont want to sleep. And I'm really excited about that. Because it went well last night...especially since the power went out...so it was just me and my ceiling...

I love those nights...I cant even tell you.
I mean you have these ways of keeping me warm when you're not even there.
It's sort of like a magic trick...

Just two more months, sport.

Goodnight, break.

2006-04-03T05:08:57Z

I think it's strange that I can be so fascinated with thunderstorms...
Yet I've been afraid of lightning since I can remember.

My mother always told me to stay away from it...
I could never resist the classic frolic through the rain
But when the lightning struck too hard - You might find me backing away.

It's why I didnt go out to play in the storm tonight - it's why I watched from the window.

I remember once when Gnathan and I danced in this huge storm.
On the median of some busy street...
Right next to the left turn lane.

Lightning didn't really bother me that night...

Sometimes you need someone who isn't afraid, so you can be unafraid.

Bottom line:
Help a brotha out- Dont be a pussy. It's a chain reaction.
Actually...it didn't reall have a bottom line.
Actually...its the last 1/2 hour of spring break...
So I figured I'd babble.

My painted nails are back to being chipped - and I dig it.
My hair will go unbrushed, unstraightened again - and I dig it.
My face will go back to being naked for school again - and I dig it.
Yet the nifty sunglasses can stay - I dig those.
Guilty pleasure.

I'd like to stay away from Woodfield mall for another 6 months again.
& I'd like to not watch MTV for anoter 16 years again.
&I I'd like to never listen to the radio for another 3 years again.
.....Time for the tree to come back. She misses it.

I feel no pressure to be a girl.
I love it.
I think girls suck.
Sometimes - I love those girly girl moments...they're cute, so to say.
But then I snap back into the comfortable feeling
Of not giving a shit how I look...
And it feels good.

so good break.
good times.
good people.
i love them..
And through their break-ups, their school struggles, their fears of the future...
I just want to be there.
So come on over
I'll sing you a lullaby...

& It'll probably suck.
But giggling feels good too.

Good.Night.Break.

cathythebattery @ 2006-03-29T15:33:00

2006-03-29T23:52:45Z

I'm not following a path.
I don't have a set direction, even.
In fact, I am standing still

There is no Door#1. Door#2. Door#3.

And though it has scared me in the past - it no more bothers me than it does excite me now.
I am not "lost" - not at all. I have dreams...I know what I love to do...
And I will continue to do these things until I fail miserably at them...
College will be a playground
I assure you, I would much rather try something I love - and mess up...
Than begin a miserable life at age 18.
I will not amount to much in the end
But I will have a hundred million stories.

You can go ahead and be a billionare...
Maybe you can just buy your stories.
Lucky, lucky you.

I just feel quite calm. I feel really calm.
Ever since sitting in the Unicorn Cafe-
Realizing, again, that I have absolutely no idea what to do with the rest of my life
But catching a glimpse of Evanston every time I looked out the window...
Suddenly, it's okay that I have no idea how I'll get by.
I know where I want to be now.
I know who I want to be with now.
That's as far as I want to be...
I'm not going to live in the future
I do not want to waste this,....
How I feel these days
These nights
These good-byes
These... moments
I will never feel this way again.
Not in this exact form...
So I think I'll stop and stay here a while
I want to be here...
I belong.

Break is...

2006-03-27T18:51:16Z

Break is...
Smiling.
Chicago.
Train rides.
Woodfield.
Thrift stores.
Car rides.
Outdoor Couches.
Ed Debevicks.
Sleep.
No sleep.
Getting closer.
Sun glasses.
Sun roof.
New CDs.
Dancing.
Playing.
Snuggling.
Butterflies.
Love.
Valerie O.
Jew P.
Taylor L.
Gnathan C.
Phiphi B.
& It's going to be...
JFK Health world.
Dinner in Chicago Part II.
Beach.
Cafe.
Michigan.
Shops.
Antiques.
Dunes..Sand.
Road trip.
60 Degrees.
Hair.Makeup.Clothes.
Girls.Girliegirls.

I enjoy it all.
It's a good life. It really is.

Taylor will corrupt me somehow.
And vise versa.
See, I painted my toe nais for the first time in months.
Yeah, it freaks me out a little, too.

No one taught me how to be a girl.

What a thoughtless entry after I promised thoughtful ones.
Get over it.
I need to do this too.
I think Xanga and I are on a break.
That's okay.
No one has to reason to reach me there
Either you have a live journal
Or there's that little anonymous comment button if you dont have one.
& There's always just talking to myself.
I am so good at that.
It is a gift.

Megan. It's your birthday. You cant read this - youre in Hawaii. Happy Birthday anyway. I bet they taught you a nifty dance and everything.

I want to kiss you on the mouth.
And tell you "I'm your biggest fan."

Merry Break.

Welcome back...not welcome home.

2006-03-21T06:07:49Z

"Welcome back"
Thanks LJ.
Um...thanks Live Journal.
I dont think we're close enough for the nick names.

This reminds me of the time...in Mary Poppins...where the children write a letter of requirements of a nanny.
Because now I need to require some things of Live Journal.

Can you keep a secret?
Because Xanga cant. And dont laugh at me, as I take this seriously.
The whole world that can view my xanga -
Vs. the few people {People like Megan, who have a marvelous understanding} who know about this livejournal.
A few will be blocked out.
And a couple others will be sent this link.

Maybe no one will read this livejournal ever.
And that;d be super.
Because that'd mean I'd have a very intimate new friendship.

Suddenly this isnt Xanga where I rant and rave...
I bullshit my way towards philosophies
And I only smile upon the world.

Though I do love my bullshit hopes that one day the world would be a better place
And though I will always smile upon that world...
Sometimes theres just a little more to it.
I've noticed...that this livejournal certainly can capture it.
If I can learn to use it as it should be used.

If my livejournal ever comes off as a cry for attention
Well then...I must be a cry for attention.
Because I hereby promise everything I shall write in here....
Will be truth.

Here I go to post this. Pretty scary. I hope I'm doing the right thing...
If i am...
I'll see you tomorrow.
Same place.